For a long time, when someone asked me how I was doing, my typical answer would be “I’m so tired”. The answer was the same regardless of how much I slept the night before. When I shrugged and spoke these words it wasn’t because I was physically tired (although that was often true) I was life tired.
I was tired of the mundane, the feeling of not moving forward, and the lack of adventure. I was tired of the ever-widening gap between where I thought I would be and where I was currently in life. I was tired of living for the weekend and then not really enjoying it because I knew it would be over too quickly. I was tired of striving and just surviving and the overwhelming sense of being on a hamster wheel- reaching for what I could not attain.
Tuesdays were the worst.
On Mondays there was a fresh start- a chance for things to be different.
Wednesday was hump day. Which is always good- half way there.
Thursdays and Fridays I was almost to the weekend.
And on the weekend, I had earned a break. I deserved a break, right?
Tuesdays were the worst because it was a reminder of my humanity. I wasn’t perfect, and I wasn’t close to a place of rest.
And that was the most emotionally exhausting place I could be. Faced with my inadequacy and failure, and not close to a place of freedom and rest.
I subconsciously believed that perfection was attainable if I just tried really hard. Or, I was idolizing a weekend that would never offer true fulfilling, life giving rest. I was exhausted because I was pouring out and never letting love seep into my porous heart
And then I remember (and remembering is very important). I remember the beautiful, life giving, fulfilling, and hope-filled gospel. Friends, this gospel is a breath of fresh air into my toxic mindset. Jesus took on all of our imperfections (that are ever so apparent by Tuesdays) and died so that we wouldn’t be buried by the weight of our failures, disappointments, and brokenness. And not only would we not be buried, but we would be raised just as He rose and thrive with the hope that we have knowing that we will one day be made complete and whole and healthy and restored. And until then, we have purpose in loving others with a BIG LOVE that does not come from ourselves.
Tuesdays are a day for remembering grace. Jesus loves me on Tuesdays. He gives beautiful grace and I can stop striving, stop merely surviving and start thriving in His perfect love. I can look for His grace in small moments and find the deep, meaningful beauty in the mundane and in the ordinary, and even in the pain and heartache.
So now a reminder on my calendar pops up every Tuesday morning, a screaming reminder for my attention, my joy, my energy, my hope: “JESUS LOVES YOU ON TUESDAYS!!”